You’re Perfect, Now Change
December 2008
December 31st is a day filled with expectations and disappointment. Every year, I hope that my New Year’s Eve will be special and exciting. I imagine black tie and fireworks. Usually, I get sick kids and a husband sleeping on the couch.
Beyond the failed expectations of the party, there’s the added pressure of my list of New Year’s resolutions. Not the list for the upcoming year, but last year’s list. Every year, as we plan to celebrate the incoming New Year, I’m reminded that I have completely failed my annual to-do list. I end my year feeling really bad.
Until last year. Last year I made a change. I decided to make resolutions for other people. This was so much easier than making them for myself. I could tell people what I knew was best for them and feel really good that I was helping other people.
I started with my husband. I hate how he wears sweatpants all the time, so I decided a good resolution for him was to wear real pants. Another resolution for him wasn’t to lose weight but to stop saying he’s going to lose weight. Last year, I decided he just needed to show restraint (a goal I set for myself, as well). He lost 20 pounds. I also would like him to stop barbecuing so much—the meat ends up really charred and hard to eat. He didn’t listen to that one.
As for my kids, here’s a great New Year’s resolution: Grow up. Now that’s not too hard, is it? It’s going to happen anyway. And they’ll feel good about themselves.
I wasn’t completely one-sided. I let them make resolutions for me, too. I love being told what to do. If someone tells me to do something, I’m actually more likely to do it because I am really good at following directions. It’s probably why I became a lawyer (all those rules) and then became an actor (you have someone called a director telling you what to do).
Here are their resolutions for me. My husband wanted me to stop telling him what to do (that was a problem since I’d just given him a list of what to do). My daughter wanted me to yell less. My son wanted me to learn to play Guitar Hero.
These resolutions were so much easier to follow than the resolutions I used to make before I had children. I used to force my husband to fill out a blank greeting card with our very complicated resolutions before we started our revels for the night. Recently, I found the cards from 1993 to 1998 (all the others have gone missing).
The resolutions were reflective of our marriage at the time: Don’t control. Don’t over-analyze. Don’t be insensitive or overly sensitive. Where were the normal ones, like “eat less”? Well, this was before we had kids. We had plenty of time to contemplate our navels and that of our partner.
Sometime in 1994 we got a dog. The resolution followed: Care for another living being. Good thing we didn’t have kids at the time; we actually needed a resolution to tell us to care for another living being. Should we need a resolution? My favorite resolution was from 1995: “Helping Harpo to become a mature dog with love and time.” If your family won’t make resolutions for you, your government will. Here’s a list of the most popular New Year’s resolutions, which I found on the U.S. government Website.
Lose 10 pounds.
Get out of debt/save money.
Spend time with family.
Do for others.
Quit smoking/drinking.
Get a better job.
Get fit.
Help others.
Get organized.
Reduce stress.
Why does the U.S. government keep track of—or even care—what our New Year’s resolutions will be? Especially since the U.S. government doesn’t exactly succeed at these resolutions itself. Get out of debt?? And where are the obvious government-issued resolutions, like “Pack an emergency kit.”
Another Website run by a self-help guru who calls himself the Goalsguy aims to establish a New Year’s Resolution Week (because that’s how long they’ll last, I suppose). In fact, all the self-help books that we never get around to reading are really just telling us to stick to our New Year’s resolutions. It’s a huge industry and we help these gurus fulfill their No. 1 resolution: Make lots of money (new New Year’s resolution: Write a self-help book).
I actually believe in the power of visualization and affirmations, but with bite-size goals. Perhaps what is daunting is trying to maintain resolutions for a whole year. Studies have shown that only 12 percent of us actually keep our New Year’s resolutions beyond three months (thus the huge spike in fitness club memberships from January to March). What if we were all honest and said, “This month I resolve to...”? Or why promise at all? Just say you’ll try to... (fill in the blank).
New Year’s resolutions, it turns out, have existed since early Rome. Janus, the king with two faces who looked backward on the past and forward to the future, was the symbol of the start of the new year. Romans would ask their enemies for forgiveness and then exchange gifts. It’s hard to imagine an ancient Roman making a resolution to lose weight. I’d like to think they were thinking about more important things, like keeping their empire from crumbling.
A lot of people have elaborate rituals surrounding the resolutions they end up not keeping. My sister-in-law has a black-tie New Year’s Eve party, and she makes everyone come prepared with a New Year’s resolution, which she seals up in an envelope and opens the next year. The next year, assuming she can find the envelope, they open it and see which ones they kept. What a bummer of a party.
But my sister-in-law is a University of Chicago MBA and very organized. She makes elaborate charts of her own resolutions by category: charity, personal growth, and major projects. That way, whatever she does within that category makes her feel successful, even if it’s a little thing. AnMBA put to good use.
Another friend phones a childhood friend a few days after Christmas to write out their resolutions. She puts the list in her wallet and carries it with her all year so she can cross the item off the list as she does it. She says she feels better about herself just by crossing something off the page (like a shopping list of personal improvements). One friend loves that she gets to make New Year’s resolutions twice, for the Jewish New Year and for the regular New Year. Oy, two lists. Every year her resolutions include “read Moby Dick.” She still hasn’t read it, but it looks good on her nightstand.
One woman told me she has had the same resolution for years: Drink more water. She says she is always successful. I told her this is not a good resolution because if she keeps improving, some year she’ll drink too much and float away.
One friend from Poland who is married to a Brazilian asked me, “What is a New Year’s resolution?” Apparently, their governments don’t have a list.
My favorite is my party-girl friend. Her resolutions include take more trips, go out to lunch more, and have more fun. She never fails.
And then there is my do-good friend. She resolves each year to do something for someone else. One year she put her church donation on automatic withdrawal. Did she meet her obligation or did the electronic banking system? This past year she resolved to give more blood. She told me every time you give blood you lose a pound, thus killing two resolutions with one stone.
This year I’m aiming for success. So here goes:
Breathe.
Pet dog.
Do laundry.
Pay bills.
Yell.
Eat.
Watch T.V.
Shower.
Shop for food.
Love my family.
I know that last one is a mushy one, but it beats having to pack an emergency kit. I know I’d never bother. The Suburban Outlaw is an actress, playwright and recovering lawyer living in Pittsford with her husband, two children and dog, Curley.